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[12 Mar 2010|11:44am]
i'm so fucking sick to death of people telling me i'm dramatic and unreasonable and over emotional.
fuck you.

i am fucking doing what i can with the situations that have been presented to me over the past 6 months.

i would REALLY like to see how you assholes could handle the same ones.
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[11 Mar 2010|07:23pm]
But last night's war got me walking,
got me running away
So sing songs all night and wake up to fame,
I won't be laying here tomorrow
And never again.

Is my name still all over your bed,
Mornings with the lines of my face,
Are those mornings still fucking with your head.
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[03 Mar 2010|02:54pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i don't even know what to say.

it's surreal. that all of this is happening. that something i wanted SO badly years ago, is happening exactly as i wanted it to. and now i'm here, and it's going on, and as he's touching my face and brushing the hair from my eyes, and basically holding me in the most intimate and steady way i've ever felt, i'm feeling little to no emotion.

but not, no emotion in the way that i wasn't going to let what was happening, happen..no emotion in the way where when you like someone your heart soars when they touch you.
and all it had me wondering was, is it because him touching me is familiar? the way his hands never stop moving over my back and shoulders and neck even if we are just laying there, is it not sending waves through me because it is familiar and safe, and i've been there before?

it's not a bad feeling. it just,..IS.

and i've been so upfront about everything. he knows i can't give him the relationship he wants right now in terms of seriousness. and he knows that i am seeing other people. and he knows that i am planning on leaving, and that i have so much living to do on my own.
and he just doesn't seem to care.

he's been waiting for a long time. and i guess when someone comes back to you that you've been waiting for, you are willing to overlook a lot of things in order to make at least a part of them stay.
today there was a sadness in him, and an unwillingness to leave both in the morning, and again when he came to say goodbye. i didn't know what to say or do.
i'm not the same girl who would have done anything for him. i'm not blind to all the flaws, and the challenges that would come with being with him.
i'm not even sure i'm willing to give up the other person, even if this is a safe bet. because that's not what i do - i'm not with people simply because they like me back.

i don't want to hurt him. and i don't think i will. but at the same time, i'm being honest and upfront and that's all i can do.

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[01 Mar 2010|01:03am]
i don't have the energy to spend time playing mind-games with someone either. if we like each other, then fine, let's make it work - let's see where things can go. but don't act coy, or cocky, or push my buttons right now, because i will walk away without a second thought. contrary to what he may think, i don't have emotional ties to what is going on right now other than i would like to see each other more and see how things turn out. the "you are lovely" comments are really nice, but they aren't a fix-all.
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[11 Feb 2010|04:00pm]
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[05 Feb 2010|11:45am]
i had a lengthy and ranty entry but then i realized, there's no point, and i can't care anymore.

we had some good times, but he's not the person i fell in love with anymore, and that is just how it is.

time to focus on people that i love instead.
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[02 Feb 2010|05:45pm]
Forty-five thoughts for my daughter & my virtual daughters. By Francesca Lia Block.
i always believed if i had blond hair, pixie face
big breasts
everything would be all right
not realizing that culturally idolized beauty
is not only foolproof
but potentially dangerous
if you believe in your own unconventional beauty
when you are young
you will accomplish twice as much and suffer half so
turn off lightbulbs and light a candle
walk don’t drive
plant a tree
wear sunscreen
dancing is an antidepressant
kindness is the new status symbol
every day please try to eat something green
and something orange
that grow out of the ground
tell me how mad you are
that your father and i parted
i will always listen
though i can’t ever take away the pain
expectations are for what you yourself create
they rarely work when applied to others
turn off the television
tv is a depressant
yoga is an antidepressant
don’t feel guilty about wanting pretty things
they would not be so alluring
if you weren’t supposed to want them
just don’t value them over compassion
use your words even when you are a grown-up
and people no longer think it is entirely acceptable
when you say, that hurt my feelings
if you can digest chocolate eat it sometimes
same goes for ice cream
(i don’t really need to tell you those things do i?)
do your homework because it is part of the game but
don’t spend too much time worrying about grades
fall in love with someone kind who loves your body
and your mind
if you have a dream that won’t let you go, that
tickles your solar plexus, heed it
turn dark feelings into paintings or poetry
or dancing
music is a kind of food
if you are sad talk to a happy woman who loves you
it will always help
move your body when you are sad or angry
avoid the following:
genetically modified ingredients
sodium lauryl sulfate
mercury in certain fish
neurotic thoughts about food
(is that a contradiction?)
love your curls though they tangle
your pale skin though it can burn in the sun
your nose though it is broader than some
your sturdy legs and feet
forget barbie she does not possess imagination
remember you are a botticelli angel
the planet we live on is perfection
love her like a goddess
love yourself as her daughter
there is a planet full of different kinds of beauty
the idea that only one type of woman is beautiful
is blasphemy
of everything i brought to the world in these
forty-five years
you and your brother are by far the most astounding
because of this i will always love your father
matter never vanishes, only changes
remember that when someone you love dies
your round head on my breast when you were born
is the memory
i will keep with me when i leave this body
when i am gone i will still be near you
this is how i know: when you were born
it was not a meeting
but a reunion
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[01 Feb 2010|02:38am]
 Just an observation;

I don't nap anymore. 


I don't ever feel the need to, I'm rarely tired during the day, and it's all since we've broken up.

So, what does that mean?
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Probably the best text conversation ever had. [31 Jan 2010|11:40am]
 "I'm contemplating getting a delivery service to get me groceries and mcdonalds, but I feel like if I do, it is like half a cm away from living in sweatpants and eventually drinking my own urine because I can't be bothered to get up for a drink, or to pee."

"Well you can get away with it because your leg is broken so the delivery guy won't judge you."

"This is true. It's like my one chance to be justified in my laziness."

"Ya I would go for the gusto if I was you."

"Oh I'm doin it. This is fantastic."

My big mac is on the waaaaaayyyyy.
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[26 Jan 2010|01:45pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

 I'm taking a break from the internet. Going to do an online course, and work on my book-smarts.

OH! AND! I got asked on a date today! Ahahahah.
Too bad I turned him down and actually laughed out loud. Not that he isn't totally interesting and cute and fun. But, not ready. Not ready to jump into anything. And not ready to focus on anything that could take my attention away from all the planning I've been doing for my life. 
We can hang out as friends but that's as far as I'm willing to go.

Bye Internets!

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[23 Jan 2010|02:58pm]
I am happy.
I am free!

The realization that her "friendship" with him means more to him than my feelings and friendship was all I needed to move on.

The worst part is only that he doesn't see how manipulative she obviously still is. I wonder why she wrote on his wall for my friends or maybe in her mind, me,  to see when she could have private messaged him, texted him, or emailed him.
Hmmm, could it be that she wanted it to be clear she was back in his life?
I'm betting he doesn't even see that, nor does he care. He seems to have forgotten about all the bullshit she has pulled on him in the past.

On the other hand, and most important hand,...who gives a fuck. Because I'm better than both of them.

I would never take actions to hurt someone so deliberately, and this fact frees me from alllllll of this. 
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[22 Jan 2010|01:19pm]
[ mood | numb ]

"I should have left him in the beginning when he sent me a picture of some art he'd done for her, and then said he made it for me. And I figured out that he'd shown it to me the first night we met.

I always knew he would go back to her. I always knew deep down.

You just get that feeling, and you know things will end eventually, and he will go back to her.

Because ultimately she was always his first choice."

"Let him go then. You are better than that. Fuck that shit.

It's his loss. And his lack of concern for your feelings shows who he really must be. You know you're rad as fuck and there is a ton of guys out there for you."

"It is his loss.

And it's really funny, if anything, this has helped push me that final bit I needed to stop loving him.

It's just a shitty thing to be convinced for 2 years you were his first choice, and to find out you were never truly."

"Maybe they are just friends."

"Friends or not. He knows that is the only girl he could bring into his life, that would completely destroy me.

And it did. He did. Destroyed all the Love there was left."


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[18 Jan 2010|01:44am]
I spend my nights and early mornings staring into the dark, at the ceiling.
Every night is different. Some better than others. I haven't cried myself to sleep in a while, so I suppose things are getting better. But I lay thinking, about everything that has happened and I feel ashamed. A sense of guilt so deep it makes my stomach ache, and my lungs feel tight. I have acted like a child. I have been selfish and emotionally manipulative, and I have looked past someone doing the best they could to make me happy.
And I know it's my fault. I can look back and see how even my recent actions have been juvenile. I can make excuses, or I could just say I'm sorry. But, I can't. It's gone past that. Any other word to him and I will only make him resent me more.
I don't know how I got so wrapped up in my own head. It was like poisonous thoughts started, stemming from one small incident and I insulated myself in them. I didn't see all the wonderful things being done for me in small ways everyday. I'm ashamed. I can't get those moments back, and saying that I'm sorry now would only come off as a desperate attempt to win him back.
I know he's gone for good.
I'm making myself accept that. And I have plans now that are taking my life elsewhere.
But in the dark, in the morning hours, it doesn't stop me from hating that selfish, childish me. The one I am leaving behind effectively now.

I just wish I was brave enough to say to him that I see how hard he tried. I see how much he sacrificed and believed in us. And I saw it then too, but I was in a fog of... I don't even know what. Self-absorbtion. Of the pain of the events taking place. Or the shame of not holding my weight in the relationship.
I could have done better, and I should have. He fucking deserved it for all the shit he went through.
The truth is I never thought I was good enough for him anyways. Maybe it was subconcious sabotage.

I can only look forward from each night on. I can't keep thinking about how badly I fucked up. I have to remember that he's not coming back. And that I have effectively ruined any chance of a friendship with my behaviour. I need to face the consequences of my own actions for once, no matter how devestatingly painful they may be. I made my bed. And here I lie in it.
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[17 Jan 2010|03:48pm]
"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life."

Mary Manin Morrisse

"You know it’s been said that we just don’t recognize the significant moments of our lives while they’re happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it’s usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you’ve realized how wrong you’ve been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it.."

"You don’t get to choose; you just fall in love. And you get this person who is all wrong and all right at the same time. And you know that you love them so much, except sometimes they just drive you completely insane and no one can explain it. And the reason it’s so confusing is because it’s love. If love didn’t have any challenges, what would be the point?"

"Maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all."

Emily Giffin

"Because even if it breaks your heart to be just friends, if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit."

I'm not stupid, I know you're done with me forever.
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[15 Jan 2010|12:18am]
Her: you either fall in love and love them forever or you never really loved them at all.
ME: oh, that's your bull shit, chick flick movie, chocolate eating, notebook watching, online dating, sex and the city, he's just not that into you bull shit side saying nonsense quotes that some chain email told you that if you didn't send it to 25 people and spin in a circle 12 times and count the number of freckles on your arm and divide it by 3.14 while thinking about your perfect man then you'll never get married.
Her: no, it says..
ME: No no no no no. It's such bull shit. Ok. You fall in love with someone and sometimes people change and they're not the person you fell in love with and it's ok that you don't love them anymore. You fell in love with a guy and he was awesome but 2 years later you caught him cheating. You didn't fall in love with him as a cheater, did you? No, you fell in love with him as the awesome guy. He changed. He's not that guy anymore. It's ok to not love him.
Her: ....
ME: It's like the lemon law. Everything ran great on the car when you left the lot. You didn't know the transmission was going bad and someone had illegally changed the mileage on the car. You didn't know it was once used for drug runs to Canada. YOU DIDN'T KNOW THEN. You find out 2 years later and you take the fucking car back and get your money.
Her: ....
ME: Aha! See? I'm right! Sex and the City didn't tell you that. I DID, without any chocolate in my system and never have been Notebook'ed. You tell Taylor Swift to put that in a song, maybe people will get it.
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I'm glad a friend sent this to me - thank you. [08 Jan 2010|01:11am]
"Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain."

That's all it's about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn't even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don't accept it if someone tells you, "that's not enough to be suicidal about." There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

I feel better. I don't feel crazy anymore. I feel like given the circumstances of the last while, that this was just the straw the broke the camels back per-say.
I'm going to get help.
But it's amazing how reading this lifted a huge amount of guilt from me for feeling this way.
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From my moleskin, written June 7th, 2009 [07 Jan 2010|11:41pm]
I used to swell with pride and admiration when I thought of the way you can spin language.

The words only the gifted use.

And it's strange to think that now, when I think of your extensive vocabulary that used to make me so proud, makes me feel sick and so scared that you will use it against me. To make me feel stupid, or to prove my thoughts wrong.

When did that part of you change from something Beautiful?
I Love you.
Please, show me you Love me too.

Show me the lovely things you can do with your mouth, and the beautiful things it can say.
I don't want to be afraid of it anymore.

Maybe,...maybe I did the right thing. Maybe my friends are right.
Doing the "right" thing doesn't stop it from hurting like a knife twisting in my heart 24 hours a day though, does it? 
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/journal. [03 Jan 2010|03:07pm]
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[29 Mar 2009|05:15pm]
 Does the good outweigh the bad?

YES. A million times, Yes.


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:) [19 Mar 2009|11:19am]
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